Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.