Thursday Thought.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Lol.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression