According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Monday
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.