*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Chicago sounds lovely.
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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?