What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
much to think about
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her