Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.