We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.