I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
inventing words: clothing
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?