My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.