Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal