*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside