Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Rt to bother an English speaker
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
me and the Superbowl rn
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys