Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

nyc:

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”