Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Krampus.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.