I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!