I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Bless you
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.