9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.