My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.