The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
peeping toms
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.