HR said no more nunchucks.
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”