flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Most fashion shows these days…
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*