ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?