6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go