Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!