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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Breaking news:
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My brain is a bad influence on me
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.