Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Facebook marketplace is a different world
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)