ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I enjoy a good short stor
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”