ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”


[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right


I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.


11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”




Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…


*graham crackers
*lighter fluid

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”



I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.


cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy