If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Cashier: “Going camping?”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy