I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.