An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse