Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me too door. Me too.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.