Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me