The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:![]()
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
iPhone X
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Last-minute gift idea!
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.