The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
This is me 🤣🤣
He took my last fry, your honor
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The days of good grammer has went
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”