ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’m sure it’s fine.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.