Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.