eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
knights of the ikea table
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years