Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]