If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM