Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Practicing safe sax
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
i spent way too long on this
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”