I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.