Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.