No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.