‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight