Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
congratulations to them
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys