And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Storm Tropical Storm
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”