Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.