Not now. I’m deglazing.
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escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.