@xosm I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
@sarabethkay “What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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@xosm 
@JimmerThatisAll “All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
@ADHDeanASL Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
@causticbob What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
@TYrannosaurus *sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
@Fickle_Filly If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
@fro_vo Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
@VeryLonelyLuke I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
@TeeJayRush Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
@Prero22 “I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.