“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.