@sarabethkay

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

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@xosm

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@TYrannosaurus

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

@Fickle_Filly

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

@fro_vo

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

@VeryLonelyLuke

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

@TeeJayRush

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.