my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
can I use a minion as a tampon
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Geez man, take it easy.