Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
channeling her this year
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.