Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My flabber has been gasted.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.