Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.