At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
this is literally a CIA plant
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Bike is short for Bichael.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.